Septic Bunker (November 2, 2011)

If North Korea ever attacks the North Shore of Boston, we can hole up in our brand new septic tank, which could comfortably shelter a family of four. The installers, Wind River Environmental, dug up the yard and took down a 30-foot pine tree to make room for the 1,500-gallon concrete tank.

The installation was a triumph, marking the end of a year spent waiting for the state to determine whether the system worked. They had reason to believe it would run fine when they offered us the house in August 2010, but we couldn’t be sure because it had sat dormant for a decade, while the house was unoccupied. Several obstacles stood in the way of determining whether we’d need to shell out for this big-ticket item: hazardous waste, which had to be removed before technicians could enter the house; lack of electricity, required to test the septic pump; winter weather, which made it inadvisable to turn on the water and test the system; and a septic pit that eluded a team of inspectors, who spent four hours probing the yard with spikes in vain in June 2011, resulting in at least one certified case of Lyme Disease. By late June 2011, our program director had found an old map that marked the location of the pit, and they were finally able to test the system—only to conclude that the tank had a long crack and wouldn’t hold water. This conclusion catapulted us into what our program director called a “wonderland of hoops,” festooned with red tape, where we waited another six months for the installation of a new tank, so we could sign the final lease, buy construction insurance, and get to work before the weather grew too cold.